Part 1:
It was thirty-five degrees, an uncertain day at the end of July 2019. That is simply a condition I could describe about the moment when I met you at the very first time. It was presumably in the afternoon around 4pm when I took a break to smoke cigarette in front of my university’s building. There, I saw you, your sweet face, bright smile, so warm equivalent to the morning sun. Eventually we, then exchanged a ‘hello’ and chatted over one or two cigarettes. I somehow still remember when you slightly talked about your ongoing research on the agriculture and soil. That was a quick conversation on a serious topic and my brain glazed to insert every detail in it. That summer day was somehow vague in my brain, these memories aren't clear, perhaps I was too exhausted with the hot temperature additionally too much coffee and nicotine invaded the cells of my brain. One thing for certain, for almost a year I had hanged out in this location, it was really a first time I saw your existence.
Days, weeks, and months passed by and I didn’t see you again till the end of November that year. We met again by chance. It was at the beginning of the winter’s season. So, we arranged a spontaneous date for drinking the mulled wine. We agreed to meet in front of the Italian restaurant at 8pm. A friend told me I was glowing that evening, I simply told her it was my new bronzer and contour powder. An instant trick of adding beauty provided by the capitalism. Then, there you shown up again, with your bike and messy hair, of course along with you sweet and bright smile, still warm even if in the beginning of winter.
After you parked your bike, short stop at the atm, we walked to the Christmas market at the city center. After a sip of the warm wine, I remembered again the short memories of meeting you this Summer. Again, when I asked, “How are you doing?”, this topic about agriculture and soil came up again at the beginning of your explanation. So, we lighted the cigarette up and we kept the light to that topic again. One and two cups of mulled wine were drunk, the conversation has developed to another scheme. Whether I talked about the global North-South challenges or how should we tackle the climate change, those of course were not that essential purpose of that night, not at all. However, I happily knew that you listened and responded warmly to my questions. It seems discussing on the complication of world problems has become so enjoyable just by looking at you and your warm smile. You have impressed me by your understanding of the complexity of the world phenomenon. I like the way you embraced the different perspectives in this multi-dimensional world and especially that you were still up for more cups of mulled wine. Until there came the beer time, we switched location to the Irish bar.
I keep wondering and questioning, was it due to too much wine or a sensual cupid passed by? How could I have no space to think much when your lips started touching mine? I forgot every complication of history how come we ended-up in that spontaneous kissing zone. It was a karaoke night at that bar where people actually sang and drunk, but we weren’t following their party, their music, and songs. Your melody has started to blow my mind and I don’t care anymore whether they stared at us or it’s not a big problem, we both strangers anyway. After sometimes, we realized that bar was not anymore a place for our unstoppable wild kisses. We walked out the bar to pick up your bike then rode it together back to your apartment, somewhere near the Botanical garden. For me, it was like a scene in old black and white movie, sitting on the bike' passenger seat I was holding your hip wishing we didn’t have the bike accident because we were a little drunk. On the arrival in your room, the countless kisses had continued till we fell asleep next to each other. We made love by the warm of the morning sunshine. I said to you how I like your smell and those dimples when you smile. You felt so warm, as warm as the unexpected morning sunshine at the beginning of the winter. On my mind, you are like an unexpected stranger at the beginning of the winter where I was not sure whether it was my time to start a feeling, but I started it anyway without asking myself further questions.
I let myself lying down on your strong arms. We again continued the previous fascinating conversation about the agricultural and soil. This time you mentioned to me that you are about to measure the emission from your cows. Sometimes we switched to the talk on climate movement or the Brexit complication. There were Tibetan spiritual signs hanging on your wall, your paintings seem to have lot of wonderful meaning. I also asked, “where did you make your tattoos?” while kept enjoying the feeling of having your warm.
You made us coffee, smell so fresh, like the wind blows through your small window inviting the new energy that encouraged me to kiss you more, passionately. The sun has climbed up higher on the sky and as the clock ticked to after midday, we felt hungry. We then walked outside crossing the alley, ended up at the unsustainable burger place which was the only option to have brunch that Sunday. So we had no option for having unsustainable consumption of burgers or otherwise we'll have hunger problem that day and hungover. Obviously, the hangover from drunk too much mulled wine didn’t stop my curiosity over you. I like listening again to your explanation on materials and minerals contained in soil. I surely cracked my brain system that time to scrutinize those terms of co2, NH3, you kept talking about, but you are cute anyway and I was in the mixing mood of being cheesy, needy, and full of curiosity.
We walked side by side on the way you accompanied me to the main station. I should have remembered whether I hold your hand, but I can't remember that detail. However, I do remember we obviously kissed goodbye for a beautiful day and then the train took me back home to the other side of the river. It’s my temporary home as I was not sure where I am going to stay longer next time.
It felt nice to be my own bed again, I then covered up my head under the blanket ready entering the dream land. Few hours later I woke up. The effect of mulled wine had erased. I saw my phone and there you sent me a text. Then, there came this feeling, I could seriously feel my face were blushing when I was reading your sentences.
And from that time till now on, you are unavoidable to skip in every day. It’s like this: every time I look at the sky, I draw your face in there, sometimes it’s blue, grey, or dark with the million stars shine. Every night I keep staring at night sky wishing for a falling star. They said I could make my wishes come true if I pray while seeing the falling star. It’s not a secret anymore, I eventually wish for one thing, it's your existence.
Part 2: when it is raining at the beginning of June
The season has changed from winter to almost summer, I don’t think I have not had much change, still, I like to write about you, think of you. Are you now sitting on the evening train on the way back to this small town and looking at the grey sky? I hate to imagine when you felt empty of the current world. I hate to feel that it is too much for you to deal with some shits. But hate is a strong word, I should not use it especially what I feel for you is the acronym of it.
I keep seeing the painting that I put on my desk. It’s my painting of you that I painted three months ago, at the beginning of February. You look amazing, half-naked from behind staring at the sunset, on my mind, it is always like that. Every time we meet, my heart always beats the same rhythm as it was the first time. It is probably a blessing to feel it as if I were religious so that I am voluntarily being indoctrinated of this feeling like it is not allowed to question it, but just to accept it. Once a while I did question it, I tested it like the way you wanted to conduct another controlled study after what happened the first time we met.
You said the control study aims to be able to find the significant effect as many confounding factors played at the first time. I didn’t know what the effect. It’s hard to communicate it in an easier language to understand. I bet we successfully performed that control study. It feels the effect on me is last longer than I imagine. It’s becoming complicated. With you is always complicated, this feeling, and the other things that compliment it as well as the challenges. That’s what I like about it, about you.
When the rain falls, I start craving for you and that specific moment, to sit in your jungle room, staring at the window and enjoying a cup of warm chocolate. It is just like the second time we met after we had our control study, you made me warm chocolate using sustainable cocoa powder from Guatemala, you said you were in there at the end of last year. You are always passionate about that south area, one day you said to me that you would like to work for the farmers in Latin America. On my mind, isn’t that place is too far away if I want to see you there, when I miss the city light in Jakarta, I have to take 35 hours of flight with at least 2 times transit in New York and Tokyo. So, I had to tease you to conduct further research on tropical soil at the vulcano in Southeast Asia and to help the local farmers with their paddy field. We have a lot of farmers as well that may be happy to see you joining them in the field. You can also stay in a small cottage in the middle of paddy fields which belong to my grandmother, being away from society as you claimed to be an eremitic person.
It seems that you still want to figure out a place after this. One thing for sure, let me follow you till the end of the south pole or at least to the south of France where I can still pursue my sentimental idea of enjoying croissants and coffee while sitting in terrasse in summer. I may be able to still catch up with the ancient dream of writing a story of love in a small café while observing the couples share some love and affection towards each other. Nevertheless, it is not about the place, it is anywhere with you is always possible.
Once in a while, I think that this world is already messed up, some suffer from the unfair system, failed states have been forced to be as democratic as wealthy states but keep torturing their poor citizen in implementing that concept. The earth is being destroyed and indeed terrible people who claim to want to save it, create their own comfort zone instead and hiding under this utopia perspective. However, you should know that still there is an imaginary world with peace and harmony, such as the place wherever I am with you. I won’t mess it up (but it seems I did)
Part 3: You are not here and there
There have been a lot of things going on your mind lately. You are off of the world. You have been still on my mind. Like a shadow in the sunny summer days, you follow me walking around the city center, along the river, and in the public garden. Once in a while, I sit down by the canal before sundown, waiting for your existence to come by again, riding that bike, with that unforgettable sweet smile whenever you said hello or goodbye.
But you are not there anymore, you can’t come. Things hold you back and I have no power to drag you out. You are too strong, as this feeling. Nevertheless, I will not do, things should stay where it is now even if I miss the unfinished story of your cows. You are not feeling to tell that anymore. I bet it was me who sometimes took over the center of the topic by expressing too much on the unfairness of the world system. Things are not fun when they became too much, but we can’t avoid that too much. Like we agreed that the world is not always a happy place and sometimes life can mess up.
You said that it is too much for you to work for ten hours a day and even on the weekend too. You have less energy than it used to. And even now with more than ten hours of sunshine a day, I have to admit that I miss your warmness which you like to share since the coldest winter in this small town. While the sky was mostly grey every day, I found the rainbow in your eyes and in every moment you touch me. It’s just like a unicorn, wild, colorful, and different. It feels like being in another world where it is much more beautiful than this one we have been already living in. Anyway, I don’t mind where it is, as long as I am with you.
In this summer, sometimes the sky can be also the whole day grey. It’s not always bright. The night could feel so dark sometimes, especially when you are not here holding me. I remember I ever told you one time about one of my night dreams when you were not here sleeping with me. I dreamt we were walking in the dark, it was too dark and I could barely recognize where we were at that darkest time. We were holding hand while were finding a place to sit and kiss. It was not clear what happened in between, I just remembered that there is a happy ending, not like in the Disney story, we do finally found that place to kiss. No matter how dark it was, you were there and your wild kisses brought me to another world of affection. Eventually, while the light turned on, we finally see that there are also other people are around. Probably they were also dealing with the darkness and finding the perfect place to kiss.
It is been quite a while since that last kisses and I have a lot of stories to tell. Not about the unfairness of the world system, I guarantee this time it’s better than that. I have not been patient either to listen to your update, how’s your cow doing, and everything else. I hope I find you again, I know I will.
Part 4: You smell like the Autumn
I walk with my small feet along the alley towards the canal where we used to meet for the sunset. The tree’s leaves have begun to fall. I can see that the green color has started to fade away. Then, this soil feels enough wet after the rain-soaked it so that the grasses are happy about it. This is the kind of wetness that creates happiness. Just like the way I feel every time you were around and especially when your lips began to touch mine. I take off my sandals and walked barefoot just to feel the grass, it feels calm and peaceful.
It is an hour towards sunset time. I could see the clouds are covering this evening sky. I sit down near the canal right under the tree. I then turn on the music from my Spotify. I slightly notice that a couple is standing opposite of the canal, both are staring down at the lotus on the water, it looks like they are telling each other story. Once in a while, they smile at each other.
And oh of course I miss your smile, the one which shows your sweet dimple and feels so warm like honey mingled inside my warm tea. I haven’t seen it since the Summer began. I was away and you were probably somewhere with your cows. And or back to your hometown at a nice mountain, must be colder and peaceful over there. Last time on Christmas you told me, even there the weather started to feel warm which made you were running almost naked and that you believed that was the impact of climate change. Or I believe that you know by saying that climate flirt makes me flattered.
Oh, Dear, it is already three days since I went back from my summer getaway. Back to this small town again and wonder whether you were still here dealing with your cows. Or probably you were taking fourteen hours train towards the mountain where you were last December. It must be warmer this Summer so please don’t start again to run almost naked without me. I am jealous, you know I am. I envy all of the creatures on that mountain including the birds and the insects or wild deer that saw you, but I can’t. I suffer from climate change and the fact that you are away again. It's a double crisis in here
The rain does fall once a while to sweep away the dust, it helps to calm down this hottest earth. Last week I heard there was a big storm that destroyed the big tree and blocked the road. I am afraid that once it rained, things probably messed up again with your soil cow's shit experiment. I am not sure how it is correlated scientifically. I am just too much worrying about you and your cows, both are always on my mind.
The sunset passed by. The sky has turned darker and I am still here even if I know that this time I am not waiting for you. I am waiting for a friend who brings a cake to this garden. It is her birthday and it feels nice to be able to celebrate a birthday on Summer day. Unlike my birthday in this time zone, which is always cold and almost winter. So do your upcoming birthday in Autumn, probably there’ll be still a sun that shines.
I believe we share a sentimental heart of being born in Autumn. It’s a beautiful season where there are beautiful colors from trees around. And oh, I miss that moment we sat at the stairs under the tree surrounded by the bush, I miss specifically your smell, your kisses, and other related essential matters. When will you be back? Take me again to that hike track and that secret place near abandon houses and uninhabited barn where we used to exchange sentimental stories of the based on true story 'into the wild' and surprisingly wild moment.
Part 5 : You are back in town, should I feel the same?
Your smile looks like the color of the Autumn in October. I admire you from a distance once in a while you show up from nowhere. I thought you will not come back anymore to this small town, until one day I saw you again while I parked my bike in front of the building where we met for the first time. You look the same, I feel the same, but I wonder whether you are still fine. I miss you.
I wish I could stare at your eyes the way I did it for the past months. I greeted you hello with a perfect smile and I am happy that you were still warm as there was nothing had happened. I miss you, again. I would like to enjoy the tea in the small garden and listen to your story, how is it going with your cow and everything else for many hours. I know you don’t have those many-hour time, so I am happy to see you once in a while, for a couple of minutes in a distance.
It has been more than a month that I had not visited that canal. I still think of it once a while, the sunset, the duck’s family, and the beautiful lotus. It is still sentimental. It is the fact that now I live a little bit away from that canal or simply now I enjoy more seeing my friends for almost every day. I meet beautiful people in this small town, they are warm, fun, and full of life. They keep me up while this small town gets bored and lonely in this circumstance. Or while I miss you and you are not around.
I miss the small birds singing through the window of your jungle room. I still listen to your album and sometimes put those lyrics on google translate trying to understand your melody and feelings while writing those songs. I don’t know when you gonna pass by again, I do fine with or without you around.
Part 5: It’s love, this is it
This is the end, of the Autumn, where all the leaves fell and left the tree in a miserable look. It’s sad but this is it. This is the end, where all the feelings fell, they called it love, when you let all part of you fall. And this is it, I have nothing left to fall now. It has been a beautiful feeling at the beginning, so colorful just like autumn but at the end, when all the colors are gone, it is becoming so empty and grey.
I know you are gone. Even from so long time ago and even your shadow keeps following me being the ghost in my dream from night to night, you were never in here, not even part of the reality. You are always somewhere I don’t know, with or without your cow, I just don’t know. You are kind and warm like the summer wind in the tropical sea. But there is no more sea, no more access to fly to that see, you closed the border, I can’t swim in this cold winter to reach that warm water.
You know that I miss the warm sun and the coconut tree, you used to be that warm, like my home country. I miss it but this is it, I can’t go anywhere further. Part of me, I didn’t want to be here where you are in here all around and suddenly gone. You said you wanna leave, you wanna go somewhere, but I still see you here and life still keeps me in here. I don’t want to write about you anymore…. Should we call it part end?
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